Man…..

I came into this year optimistic. I was excited to get my organization started and hang out with my friends and just all around enjoy college, like one is supposed to. I wanted to stay positive but that optimism is out and pessimism is in. People are so wack, so fake.I like to be around people but it seem to me that people don’t like me or want me to be around.I just want to hang out. It is so nice when people are thoughtful enough to think of you to invite you places. In Austin I get invited places most of the time I fall through the cracks there a bit but thats ok because we are always doing something and it is not possible to make them all and thats ok. But in Houston we always do stuff together we the fif floor crew. However whenever something goes down I always manage to be the one to get left, to get caught in limbo.”No you were spose to call”….”I told soandso to call..” That’s wack, that is some bullshit. I can’t blame anybody because this isn’t anybodies responsibility, its more of a nice courtesy. The fact that this has happened multiple times does not put me at ease about myself, however it does put me at ease at why I don’t like people and stick to myself.  Then when everybody discovers that a slip in information transmission has been made and no one felt any remorse but was excited to be going where they were going. That is some fucked up shit. Then if you know that me and my girl are joined at the hip so now you are not just not inviting, forgetting to invite or w/e just one person, now its two. Then they should take into extra consideration that I told the story about my high school experience and my girlfriends experience with being forgotten about on special occassions so why would anybody do it now?

People are so selfish and triflin…

Just a thought

I deleted my last post. I was trying to be honest about a person’s attitude and how that affects me. I have discovered recently that people find it hard to hear things about themselves that aren’t necessarily positive. They can also take constructive criticism to the extreme and get on the defensive when they shouldn’t be.

I tried to be constructive with two people recently one ignored me and the other won’t talk to me. In the case of the former…thats just hard-headedness. But the latter…it was something different. Words that I didn’t say were quoted and there seemed to be no context. I had to verbally explain that I wasn’t attacking but wanting to help rid of the negativity that was taking away energy and time, more than it needed to be. I wasn’t saying that I hated the person or being with or around the person but I hate when they are that way. Sort of how people are with substance abuse. They are fine people without the drug, charismatic, charming, funny but as soon as the substance kicks in its over. Thats they way I felt about that person and their actions. They were great people without the negativity. The negativity would consume them to the point where it wasn’t just internal but external. You could tell by their body language and facial expression that they were upset. But they claim that nothing is wrong. Or they are frustrated and express this frustration verbally and make it more of an issue than what it is. Actions like that can destroy an otherwise positive person and cause them unnecessary stress. Also that isn’t an isolated aura…negativity can spread. So in a group or with others it can spread and make people feel uneasy or unsure or even mad. That just can’t happen.

Why can’t I just be mad and let me get over it….that question was posed to me and the answer is because the “getting over it” process takes a bit longer than needed. Also because I know this person is a happy person so I’m not going to let them be mad and upset everyday about things that in retrospective are minute in comparison to the day, week, year and your life. I just wanted you to be happy and not upset or creating stress for yourself. I tried to speak in my best way capable but I guess it got lost in translation. But why won’t I let you be mad and let you get over it….because I believe you would be settling for something less than you deserve.

I will use this incident as an example however in comparison to another…I think I did the worst possible thing to you in terms of harm about a year and half ago. Yet you spoke to me less than 24 hours after that incident and you were upset yet you still were able to talk and to be in my prescence. But this incident which was totally different than the other and was less harmful than the other, has been taken overboard. I explained myself, my intentions, what I was in essence trying to say and even apologized yet you don’t want to talk to me and I believe around me as well. So I see this as an incident where you are mad and upset and I am letting you “be mad and get over it”  but it has already taken too long to be over with.

I don’t want you to read this and get the wrong idea or see things that aren’t there. There is no reading between the lines so don’t. If you are looking to see something, then look at it like this: I want to make you a better person just like you made me a better person. I want you to be happy and to enjoy yourself and not spend more time frowning than you have too.

Recent Incident

I guess I didn’t post my post about upcoming post *sigh*…i forgot about something so I’m going to write about this recent event.

I pretty much haven’t talked to her for about a month and a half  and surprisingly I’ve been ok. At first I didn’t really like it but I believe that I became more occupied with other things in my life, I found more things to look forward to and to think about. So things were ok.

Then she tried to contact me…through another account. I should have known something was up I was referred to by a nickname that I rarely used way back in those times and she was the only one who knew about it. However the account is that of a weird girl so I didn’t really think anything of it. I replied but realized that something was wrong when I got a text at work. It was brushed off as nothing but I found a message about it.The message was very tact and tasteful, I was pleased with it. I did not feel bad about the message, not bad like I felt about the ultimatum, I was a bit indifferent. I did like my gf approach and what it said about her and I. There was no response from the other girl so I believe the message was clear.

A.L.W. The Woman A.N.W. The Child

This is a post about my mother. I can’t say how this post will turn out but hopefully it will relieve some stress,pressure and anxiety that I currently have.

My mother is not like other mothers…because obviously she is my own but she is a different mother. She is very practical and straightforward if you know me then you know how this has impacted me and affected me as a person, but I won’t get into me just yet. I’ll start from the beginning.

I was created in the 80’s but born in the 90’s. My mother was 32 and already had a son, my brother, and he was 12. By the time she had me she was done with her wild ways and was ready to be a parent. My brother had lived primarily with my great-grandmother and grandmother and in recent years lived with my mother. She was not married to his father and was not married to mine. They sort of had an agreement and to this day it makes no sense to me. But she was parenting me. She was doing everything right. I was a well behaved kid because she whooped me when I was young so I was trained not to act up or out in public. I was obideint to say the least and you can even say fearful of reprecussions. She read to me so then I was reading on my own before I even got school , she took me to museums and the like and I enjoyed it. Then I went to school and it was enstilled that I get good grades and I excelled. However with the attendance of public school comes the other kids and their parents and the realization that my family wasn’t like that–my mother doesn’t act like that.My mom was an involved parent in kindergarten and first grade and then I don’t know what happened she went to work again I guess. But I continued on through school and was a terrific student. I never talked about home or any angst I felt about my life compared to others. I just lived with it and made myself better than everybody else by pointing out how much better I was than them because it was a defense mechanism and I had learned it from my mom. As a resultI had a few skirmishes at school with fighting but my mom never disciplined me for those because I just learned not to do it again from experience, that was just a part of growing up to her.  In all my early years and everything that my mom taught me she never thought to develop me socially. So other kids were playing sports and doing all of this other stuff and I wasn’t. Upon some other things thats when I felt left out. It seems that when I got enrolled in school all of our adventures stopped. Suddenly I had to find my own way and I can say that secretly I was envious of the other kids and the stories of them hanging out with their parents and the stuff they did. I wanted a different life– a life like theres. Then middle school came and I was terrific at school and home was fine…bring home good grades was all she wanted. Then my mom wanted me to become social so she suggested that I get some friends from school and go hang out. We would hang out at their house or elsewhere never at mine. Partially because I was embarrassed about my living situation and then because I had met their moms and heard nothing but good things about them. But my mom not so much. Now around this age this is when me and mom began to really butt heads. One day she said that I needed to love her the way my half-brother loved his mother…I didn’t like this for several reasons. But mainly because I felt that my dad loved my brother more and my mom was beginning to appreciate him more too.  And a piece of me was questioning why she would request this all of sudden. ‘I love you’ was not a part of speech when I was younger so why should it be now. It seemed to me that she needed someone to love because the love that she sought from my dad was not there. He came around and she played it off as they were friends but I could tell she wanted more. She would then tell me not to fear my dad as I used to in elementary and to question where he lived and who he stayed with. In elementary I was curious but I had got accustomed to the living situation for so long that I no longer really cared. So a question I posed to her was ‘why was she not like the other mothers why did she not play with me why was she not young’. She dismissed me with an ‘ok, ok’ and that was the end of the conversation. That is how middle school was this same stuff everyday…but unlike her I discovered the internet to occupy my time. I found things to interest me so that I could be in the house but away from her or I would venture along the creek behind my house and I took it back to my elementary years and would imagine that I was somebody else , somewhere else. I remember that at school I would do what the other kids did because I wanted to fit in and be happy and have a nice life like them but when my mom saw what was happening she told me focus on what was important and it wasn’t about fitting in, I needed to get my work done. She didn’t understand or bothered to to see how I felt. That was my life…then high school came and my analytical thought grew and I was able to see what my mom was doing and how it affected me. I was doing fine in school as always and in the middle of my freshman year I came out to my mom. She was not mean about it, she did not kick me out or disown me. She said she already knew and she wanted me to be careful and not talk about it, I guess she wanted to protect me. But everybody knew at school and I came out to her with the intentions that I would then be free to dress how I wanted and talk to her about my love conquests and the like but she wanted me to hide it. Then she wanted me to tell my father.  I didn’t want to tell him. My relationship with my father had improved vastly over the years because I was like him and I could speak his language I knew how to gain his approval and this was not a way. He was a man of strong opinions and hard to read so I didn’t want to chance it so I didn’t tell them even though she persisted. I have no doubt that she told him because that is what she did, using me as a way for them to be closure. I did not want to seek his approval this way…But anyways the sexual liberation that I wanted didn’t come. She did not like me having anything rainbow…but as crazy as kids at my school dressed I was looking normal and like I said everybody knew and nobody cared. She even got mad when I showed up at home with one earring in my ear…the other had fallen out….but I was “promoting” myself and she didn’t like it. She did some very light research on what a “stud” was by talking to some gay people at work as she said that there was no “male” person in a lesbian relationship and she implied she wanted to change my dress. I had been wearing boys clothes for forever she even bought me some of them and she always wanted me to be in a dress. I don’t think she understood how much better I felt afterwards being able to wear the clothes and how much better I felt about myself even though it was a small feat in some larger problems that I have with myself. And the talks about love didn’t happen I mentioned one of my first loves of high school and she beat the girl to the ground and ultimately ruined her reputation for me and she didn’t even know her. The girl did have some problems but my mom knew nothing about her and she suggested that I not be in a relationship because it was just puppy love and that school was more important and I could learn about love later. I think that was the problem there was always a later, a later time for laughter and being silly and social stuff. I needed to focus on what was important and that was school and I did. From then I only mentioned the comings and goings of girls and nothing more as I could tell she didn’t understand. I continued on and my trouble with math reared its ugly head and my mother instead of seeing about some help for me or understanding that it just didn’t make sense to me told me that I needed to study harder and I needed to go to tutoring and talk to the teacher and all of this stuff…but she ignored the wonderful grades that I got in other classes. She told me that she wanted me to be good at math and with each grading period she would always point out the flaws in those math classes and that I should be studying when I got home and she ignored the A’s on the report card. I just cared about passing math and thats what I did. That is a bit nonchalant but I couldn’t do anything else and her complaining wasn’t making it better she didn’t try to help or find someone to help me but she wanted so much more for me but not providing the means for me to be more. I think this is the point when I began to loathe being home with my mother. I also find that this is when I discovered that the loathing became a physical rage….I would throw things, punch the air, the wall scream and feel like I was going to explode everytime she would open her mouth because 85% of the time it was something negative. Something I was doing that she didn’t like or something that I wasn’t doing. I participated in a few sports at school and some music activities but my mom only came to a few events. Then when she would come she state afterward how I should have or could have done this or that. She was my worst critic. I should shouldn’t have worn that…I need to learn how to play the guitar by ear….I need to practice more…I should study more……She could never appreciate what I did. She singlehandly pushed me out of love or inspiration with my activities because she told me that I wasn’t doing them right or I wasn’t doing them how she thought they she should be done and I associated them with her and I looked at everything and I felt that I could never accomplish it because I wasn’t good enough and my mom told me that–inadvertently I guess. I loved school though I could charm my teachers and they all thought I could change the world…my peers were occupied with other things and as I believe as a result wiht my mother and her views that I acquired on music and fashion that I in turn thought were frivolous…but it didn’t matter because the adults around me who were much wiser and more worldly saw my potential and my greatness and realized that my flaws made me who I was and it helped make a great person that could change the world. I wish my mom could see that. Eventually home became a place where I stayed and not a place where I wanted to be.It wasn’t the refuge for openess that others thought for their home, home was a negative place for me. But by my senior year I had become numb to my mom’s yelling at me about my inadequacies…I look through her and not at her…I can no longer hide the disdain I have for her on my face when she asks me to spend time with her or hug or kiss her or say that I love her…she doesn’t understand that its impossible to do that. She created an environment that is not conducive to what she wants and desires. I could go on and on about the injustices that I feel that she’s done to me and some my view it as whining but it has had a negative effect on me. I will explain just a few more…for her 47th birthday I wanted it to be a surprise I had a theme remembered the cake that she wanted and made the arrangements…it was a success and it was fun. I had did a good job. At the end of the night she came to my room and asked me “why did I not invite her friends to the party” …not a thank you but why didn’t I do something. I let that sink in. Then senior year I was getting scholarships a lot. I got a decent amount and was able to cover my efc of my financial aid. But before I went to school she said that I could have had more money because I should have been applying for 3 scholarships a week and had $15,000 already but I wasn’t trying and that some other girls daughter got enough money for school and car…but this girl was a science/math major…Then finally I met someone beautiful…I met her in the midst of all of this and things were great. She makes me feel good, she believes in me, I can do no wrong in her eyes, I’m the greatest…I told my mom about her as I should because  she is such a big part of my life…I guess my mom likes her but she seems indifferent to these things what college I attend…she didn’t really care but anyways I would sometimes mention her and my mother did the same thing she did to the first girl pointed out the negative and dismiss what we had as puppy love without the full understanding of what she does for me…to me.She said that I shouldn’t be affectionate in public because people will see and I listened and I thought pda was stupid and dumb but I secretly wanted it, its actually what I wanted all along and now the option isn’t there anymore…. She said that I shouldn’t do things for her it should be 50/50 and just pointing out the negative things about her…and if only she would understand and not try to be in my life as she is only destroying it. Then when she pointed things out I began to see it to…it never bothered me before..my mother once again created a problem.Now I try to keep quiet about her. Then even sometimes when I’m with her and I feel that she’s doing a disservice that my mother would do I began to loathe her too and the rage I felt I want to take it out on her…and thats not good. I can’t have her in my life.

Now I’m in college an adult…I’m free. Well not really everything is still there but the year in college away from home was wonderful. I was my own person.I had no adult that criticized me and I was the best in my own little way I could bask in my glory and every chance I got when I went home..where did I go? I went to her or to my old school because I would be appreciated and they could bask in my greatness too. But no not my mother she couldn’t. She would inquire about school but I still felt the rage and the feelings seem too deep…I can’t even appreciate her. She says that my attitude is terrible and it is the reason I have no friends and that I’m falling into the same trap as my female cousins because of my attitude and my tone. I do not talk to my friends like that, I have no friends because my mother made me a prude and she never allowed me to develop socially. I only reciprocate the tone that she uses toward me. I ask her why she yells at me  says the things she says to me and my brother even though we have reached adulthood and she said that because when you are nice to your kids they turn out bad.So thank you mom for not letting me turn out bad…even though this is a flawed argument. In confidence my brother told me about how my mom used to be and it wasn’t a nice potrait and she has even told me some things in confidence and I believe that it has shaped how she is as a person as all experiences do but the fact that she passed this on to us does not shape a person. Your child is your new life and will allow you to live on…my brother and I have been given everything we wanted and me even more yet it was material and she still has something against us. I’m here and the new rules are in place. I can’t love her the way I want because any display of modest affection is disrespectful and I can’t sleep all day because…well no reason just because says so. This tyranny makes no sense and yet she always mentions that when I go to college and get my degree and make all of my money that I will kick back and take care of her. The idea rattles my brain but I have no doubt that I’ll do it but I can’t say that I’ll visit because she seems to be getting worse with age. I’ll leave that to my brother. Now you can say that I’m ungrateful which I say that I’m not I love having the material things but I wish that I had a better relationship with my mother and you can keep everything else.

I’ll leave with one final thing that bothered  me. In my life I have considered suicide four times. In elementary,twice in middle school and in high school…college hasn’t crept up yet. The first time she had no shock in her face, voice anywhere but simply said that black people don’t do that…she didn’t seem worried. And the second time she was upset that I mentioned it to somebody at school and that I should retract my statement. The third time she was too preoccupied about me washing the dishes to notice that anything was wrong…and high school she threatened to take away my car and said that she couldn’t trust me to drive or go away to school. In fact she seemed angry. Not once did seek to get me any help and those problems still linger with me and now that I’m older I’m working to fix them but her inaction to me shows that she doesn’t care and didn’t care and she has no knowledge or appreciation of me. I know that I’m not the daughter she had in mind…I don’t wear dresses, I’m not politically correct (even though I’m just like my father in that right and she loves him)and this will hinder me from getting a job, I don’t do my hair often and my dreads  she won’t appreciate. But I’m here and I’m me and she should get used to it and appreciate the adult that I am and not the person that I’m not.

This thing will never end…but another thing I realized in college was that I don’t understand and can never understand mother/daughter relationships. How they can be so close and why anybody would want to hang with or talk to  their mother. But for the most part this was from people who parents cultivated and encouraged their talents and they began better people for it. However I still don’t see the love and how a person can pick their parent over some well constructed friends and I suppose it’s something for me not to understand. I can only hope that when I’m a parent I pass on the good things that my mom taught me and disregard the bad. I wonder if I will let them see her. She holds her tongue for no one and her wrath is well known. I wouldn’t want them to go to her and have get the same negativity towards her that I have…

Dreads….Locks…Dreadlocks….Lockdreads….Locs?

I figured I’d do a blog about my hair just because I haven’t talked about it on here. So as you can infere I’m getting dreads.I know you’re probably like well who isn’t these days but that’s not a bad thing.  Although dreads are becoming more of a style and more or less a fashion step to some, I fall into the other category of  people who love and appreciate locks and have wanted them for a while.

I have wanted dreads since I was probably 8. I knew nothing about dreads then but I saw them and wanted some. I asked my mom if I could get them and she promptly and sternly said no. I didn’t know that since I had just gotten my perm at age 7 and didn’t really understand that process but that I would basically have to cut my hair and start from scratch to get some decent dreads….(I know you don’t HAVE to do that but dreads with all natural hair just work better) but anywho and I didn’t appreciate my “long pretty hair” and that I would have cut it. I didn’t know any of that  at the time but I knew my mom’s voice and her answer was final besides if I had been told of the specifics I doubt that at that age I would willingly cut my hair for any reason. I don’t think I could have taken the scorn of the other kids at school or being labeled a “chicken head” when all I desperately wanted to do was fit in.  So I never spoke of getting dreads again although I did enjoy looking at them and they were my guilty pleasure. Now  this wasn’t a light choice to get me a perm at age 8, by my mother. She had carpal tunnel and it was impossible for her to do my hair so she got somebody else to do it. But the carpal tunnel went away and I was still getting perms. I even asked her about it recently and she said that if she hadn’t had carpal tunnel she never would have gotten me a perm. Although she had/has a perm she wanted me to take the route that her mother put her on, that she would rock her natural hair until she was able to make her own choice on the perm. I kinda regret that I didn’t get the same opportunity. But here’s a memory about my first real encounter with dreads.In fourth grade some new students came to my elementary school, siblings, and they had dreads. I feel in love with their hair but it was elementary and the kids chanted of Medusa and anything else. Even though I didn’t participate in the name calling I didn’t share my admiration for them and that was equally as bad.

So I continued getting my perms all of the way into high school. My hair continued to grow and there was no breakage and no horror story of damage that you hear about but there was damage. I went to the salon to get my hair done every two weeks, every other Tuesday to be exact and a perm every six weeks. I love routine but that was a bit much. $30 for shampoos and $50 for a perm. I lived my life around all of this for 10 years. I was never into hair styling, I hated getting the perms and having to sit and have my scalp burn and sit under the dryer and then get it “styled”. It was rarely a style I would just get it flat-ironed and the next day I would put it in a ponytail. I felt great able to slick it back with the fresh perm and the compliments I got  on my hair but it wasn’t fun because sometime I had dandruff and needed a wash but it wasn’t near the right Tuesday, or I just wanted to go home and sleep but I had spend at least 4 hours getting my hair done, or I wanted to even learn how to swim but the maintenance of my hair discouraged that idea and it was a bit of bummer especially in the summer months in the Texas heat and then sometimes I just wanted to get in the shower and let the water run over my head but that would make my hair “nappy and puffy” and it would be money down the drain but wasn’t I just putting money in a ponytail as well? I got asked often why I never did anything with my hair…”girl if my hair was this long…” I would say I didn’t want to do anything to it but in my head it was because my hair didn’t reflect me, it wasn’t what I really wanted. I dislike all the frills and I wanted something that was ME. I wanted dreads. So upon my mother spending her money and then me spending my money for a few visits I decided that with me going to college soon my hair was going to be a burden and I wanted a change. So I stopped getting perms but I wasn’t going natural just to do it, I did it with the intent to get dreads.

I grew my hair out for a year and that was a mess but here I am a year and a half natural and 3 and a half months into my journey….but its still a struggle and that will be explored in part II.

What Could Possibly Be Better?

So I read you’re note…and at the least I’m upset. But should I be surprised? No, no I shouldn’t. But before I get to that I’ll just go down the note thought by thought.

To answer your what ifs….if you had said something. I do believe things would be different.I would have known then that you really loved me and really cared. That anything I wanted was only a question away and was pretty much guaranteed. Then I wouldn’t have had to search elsewhere for the answers or verifications to these problems. You’re right I will never know your pain. The pain that we have experienced in our lifetime are too different for me to even compare something I’ve gone through to this so I will never know and you would be naive to think I would but you should know that I understand.

The ultimatum….to make the ultimatum seem so recent isn’t right. There have been several ultimatum’s posed to me and I always chose you…always. I feel that you neglect that. I realized that I was selfish in my actions and couldn’t possibly think that you would/will ever be ok with me being friends with her. You have every right to be selfish but the selfishness is over the decision has been made and its done with. Any decision somebody will be “hurt” nobody always gets what they want. Your thoughts of wonder…that is your choice to make. I can’t say then that I would be happy but I assume you would..you say that you will never know but to that I say you can quickly find out and for you to have wondered about this more than once that it appears to be something you want.  Dragging it out….the inevitable seems just on the horizon.

I’m happy I’m fine….I have guy emotions I can get over it. Its not that big of a deal anymore. Its really not. I just have to find other things to occupy my time not a big issue.  You seem to be unhappy and I have to agree that I don’t know if what we have is strong enough since that dark cloud still lingers and you can’t seem to forget it. It will always be brought up or thought about and that’s not healthy. This pessimistic outlook is not reassuring.  Things will get better? I have no idea what is wrong now. We have been spending time together and “going out” I don’t know what else you want.  Your don’t knows….you just have to trust me as hard as that might be. Can handle not knowing? Not knowing what? If that night was too much? Friendship too much? Too much of what? If we can pull through? Pull through what? This posed more questions than answers.

Nothing seems right….that whole paragraph….I don’t know what to do with it.  I thought things were fine. Things feel right to me? Who is uneasy? and on top of all that we don’t have a good relationship with respect and honesty…..I don’t know what to do with any of this so I will rap this up.

I shouldn’t be surprised that you were feeling this way the signs are there and I am ignoring the elephant in the room.  The PDA is not something you got over…you just don’t want me to touch you. Not wanting to stay with me with the proclamation of all summer…is a front you just putting everything off because you hate being with me now…

A little story…I was in the area of her house…it ran across my mind to call her and go over. It seemed like a familiar  script but I thought of you and went home…pointless story but I think it shows my commitment to my promise. Hopefully you will see it too.

But I have to leave with this…what could I do better? If you are even willing to try that.

April Fool

So I have been swamped with work ever since I got back from spring break…and April doesn’t look any better. However if I get on my grind I can have stuff done in a timely manner and April won’t be so terrible. However after these past two weeks I feel that I can do anything. Forget Obama or Garnett with their yes we can and  anything is possible…i made my own name for hope. I have pulled all nighters every night except for one for the past two weeks I studied for 2 tests, wrote 4 papers, and a big ass group project which two people including myself did. Yet here I am at 6 in the morning almost finished with everything..just waiting on a presentation at 10. After that I can rest for the weekend and get back to work come Monday where the real fun begins and I have 8 tests until the end of April along with a 1500 word paper that is due in the midst of all that.  But that is spread out over 4 weeks compared to the 2 that I had to complete all of this previous assignments. However I won’t allow myself to become a victim to others short comings and I am the master of my own fate….sure that sounds great but I’m ready to kick back and relax….

P.S. be on the look out for ATM calling people out here on the blogspot and on the youtube channel so wait for that..

The Gay Post

So I’m a little late on the Propostion 8 aftermath posts but I have read a lot about it and have acquired in my opinion a very detailed and critical analysis of the fall out.

What we know:

1. It Did Not Get Passed…Anywhere
2. Black People Did It*
3. Civil Rights Movement Does Not Equal Gay Rights Movement

*I do not believe this and no one should. Blacks haven’t had enough political power to sway anything let alone be the sole vote in determining the outcome of anything. Also 70% of 6.2% is less than 40-something percent of 60% or 36%. But I won’t really get into that because it has already been discussed in several places quite accurately.

But yes on to the important stuff.

I have read often that gays should NOT compare the gay marriage movent to the Civil Rights Movement OR blacks should have voted for No on Prop 8 because the Gay Movement is just like the Civil Rights Movement.

Well they are both right AND wrong.

Any “Civil Rights Movement” is a political movement that  hopes to establish equality before the law for civilians. So yes you can compare the two because they both want to establish equality before the law.  That’s pretty much where the identical similarities stop however there is much overlap between them and some interesting facts.

The Civil Rights Movement was trying to gain success through laws that were unfair or were not being interpreted correctly. We all know what these were.

The Gay Marriage Movement is trying to gain success through laws that have not been created yet. For instance there were several Propostions that were on the ballot in a few states banning gay marriage which all passed. So there were no laws on the groups preventing gay marriage prior to this nor were there any saying that it was ok.

Ok so we have clarity…now lets fast-forward to the campaign. The gay people were all here is the Civil Rights Movement again just with a few new people and some nice colors….the black people were like hell no why you taking our shit? We worked hard for this your movement is different.  How different?.. Well the black people[in others words not mine]” we couldn’t hide our skin color so we faced more prejudice; gay people can hide their sexuality” yes every gay man has that cool early Elton John swagger where nobody knows you’re gay and everybody is shocked when they find out…please tell that to the choir boy with the tamborine.  ” we were enslaved, denied education, beatin, lynched…gay people never had to do endure any of that”  right and many of the people who say this were never enslaved, beatin or threatened with being lynched. Now I love my black people to the fullest and totally understand where this feeling of if it happened to one it happened to all…but not everybody grew up in the deep south or marched with Martin Luther King so be careful of the “we” had this happen and “you” didn’t. Gay people aren’t necesarrily denied education but denied jobs and those are just about the same. No education diminishes education opportunities. But to have a degree and not have a job not thats just as bad.

No on to the gay people (yes I discriminate equally)…here’s what they had to say “Martin Luther King wanted civil rights for all…he wanted everybody to be able to come together”…ok now lets not put words into his mouth. I don’t argue that this isn’t possible but it’s not explictly clear on whether this was truly the case. You know how politicians are like I want all citizens happy…well we know they don’t really mean that. So when Dr. King said everybody that didn’t necessarily include or exclude glbt people so be careful on the use of that. I could state the some more but the most important one was that ” The Civil Rights Movement is the same as the Gay Rights Movement” and I already stated on how accurate that statement was.

Now in the aftermath the white gay people got pissed off at the black people and blamed them for their loss on Prop 8 and all the other propositions. So us gay black people were in limbo…we were suffering from the loss and then getting all wiped with the reason for the loss. Then suddenly all the gay black people came out and did interviews and blogs and basically came to the conclusion of the it serves the white GLBT people right and I couldn’t agree more. Not that I was against the Civil Rights comparison usage but that they ran a poor campaign and needed a scapegoat and blamed the wrong people. This occurred out of poor planning and lack of understanding among the black community.

First there was no gay leadership. I’m sorry but I need a leader. There needs to be someone who is the face of movement. There can even be a few faces but I need visibility and somebody I can be like oh ok this is what the movement is.  There would need to be people to draw people in from all the demographics.There should have been a Black Face to show that they were serious about getting everybody involved and to show black people a gay person. Because Black people just love to see ourselves places especially in places that we aren’t “supposed” to be.

Second if you’re attaching yourself to the Civil Rights Movement then go for it, bring out the big guns and use it as a learning to. As mentioned above, Black people not only love to see ourselves but to claim black people. So the glbt should have discussed Bayard Rustin. Who? Bayard Rustin who did all the behind the scenes work in planning the March on Washington and was our beloved MLK’s right hand man. Who also said near his death that basically the new movement was gay and lesbian. This would show that a historic true civil rights hero was passing the torch to gays.  Or Barbara Jordan who was a lesbian again from the beloved South that tore into Nixon’s ass during the impeachment hearings.  Or Dr. King’s wife Coretta…

Which brings me to my third suggestion…understanding the black people is complicated. Now Mrs. King continued her husband’s legacy after his death and did endorse GLBT equality. But  her daughter Bernice King did NOT support gay marriage. If the white glbt of california had noticed this they would have understood that it is impossible to determine how black people will think and that even though they may be religious it doesn’t necesarily determine if they will be a supporter or not. Or if they asked any black person this would be true. I have met some who don’t care and some who it really is a problem and both groups went to church. It really is a hard thing to tell.

Finally…to avoid this religious stuff and negativity. Just call it a civil union and get over it. It’s these white gay elite who feel that they should be able to call it marriage. Marriage to me is a religious ceremony and civil union is recognized before the law which is the priority. “But I don’t want to say i’m “civil unioned” I want to be married.” Look this is like the n-word I don’t like that white people or black people use it but focusing on that is not the point look at the broader picture. Get the fuckin civil union and say you’re married when people ask. I’m sure they’ll understand.  I don’t care about that other shit I just want to make sure I get the rights so my future wife and family can be straight in the case of some unfortunate event.

 

Damn I shoulda took over this movement.

The Book of Face

Facebook is a social network….meaning you socially network with old friends and such. However along with that you tend to encounter old enemies as well. But you don’t talk these enemies you talk to your friends. But you might have a mutual friend with this nemesis and that is cool. Everybody is grown and you can be friends with whomever you like. However just because you see someone you don’t like commenting on somebody else’s page gives you no right to try and say that that person has no right to comment. I mean you have your own page to regulate and you can’t try and put a limit on somebody else’s page and the amount of comments a friend leaves. Now thats just silly. Ok but what if they are posting comments on somebody’s page that you are interested in pursuing a relationship with…well you still have no right.I mean as long as the status says single and there is no significant evidence that there is some type of relationship you shouldn’t be mad at this person for posting. If it is a problem it should be handled like an adult and either addressed to the person who is commenting or the person who’s page it is being commented on….hmm. Also I find it quite amazing that a broad status gets made in a status feed and all the guilty offenders start poppin up with their own status’. Then the ghetto girls come out…talking about “fight me….ain’t got nothin to say now huh…..i ain’t here to plz nobody.. .dry plexin[I know what the hell is that?]…delete me then…[or at the very end] too many people reading my status.”

…..and all this started with an unnecesary comment.

Why I hate gay people

Ok so the title is a lie I really don’t hate gay people.  But I do have several gripes about them that have developed over time due to my encounters with them through direct interaction or in the media.

1.  Why do all the gay people I meet have to be a stereotype? I have met

• all of the u-haulin lesbians..lets just move on in together
• the overly masculine ones  that tell me I’m not a stud because I don’t have a fade
• the stud thugs that are doing nothing with their life
• the gay bitches…ya know the boys who call each other ‘girl’ and who’s closet would put all women to shame
• the ones who have such trouble being gay that they are addicted to drugs…where my normal fags at?
• the ones that let you know how gay they are every single second
• white hippie non-conformist social activist for everything
• the denyer

 ….the list can go on and on and thats a problem.

If thats who you truly are its no biggie. But there is no way possible that I have met all the gay people that fit these stereotypes…I mean where the normal gay people at? No that’s not a paradox. They are out there.  I mean the ones that being gay is just another part of them like being left handed or something.  The ones who’s parents were supportive which made the teen years great. The ones not addicted to drugs. The ones who aren’t interested in labels  but don’t let it be known. Its like everybody that is gay wants to be unique and they do this by saying they don’t have a label but doesn’t that just make them labeless? Or the people who have no type….BITCH PLEASE! I know that you are a “lover of all people” but you won’t love everybody or let them sleep in your bed or even think about swapping vagina juices if they weren’t your “type.” The ones who dress normal. What’s normal? Normal is if you wear men clothes you wear them and look good and look nice and don’t look like fuckin soulja boy with layers and layers of clothes. Normal is wearing some clothes without any rainbows…you’re gay ok I get it…the fact that you’re in a gay club and trying a little too hard with every girl in here is clearly no indication that you are gay and I really appreciate your rainbow piece of flair that you wear so proudly…But ya see the stereotypes really bother me.However thats not the sole reason why I can no longer associate with gay people.

 The gay world is too small. It’s not even six degrees seperation its like two. I want to hang with people that have the potential to not know each other. Also lesbians have way too much drama because of this so I just want to hang with my straight friends and watch from the sidelines.

But more seriously is that gay people don’t like me and aren’t like me. (this here is the prop 8 reference) So if you read the news just a bit on November 4, 2008 not only was a Black man elected president but Black people single-handedly defeated gay marriage….ok so the last part isn’t true but there are White Gay Men who fill that they are entitled to something and when they don’t get it they blame black people and all of our political clout.  Dammit racism found me again.   Basically the gay community is not embracing of Autumn in a multitude of ways. I’m not too embracing of it either. I’m gay but not too gay and the gay community doesn’t like that.  I’m not defined by sexuality and prefer racial issues before sexual issues and Prop 8 and the aftermath proved  why I feel this way. I feel like I’m not part of the gay community and I’m ok with that…

I haven’t given up all hope about gay people. I have a long life ahead of me and I’m sure that I can meet some fantastic ones but as of yet I’m sticking to my crowd of straight friends because they seem to be the most open-minded.